Happy Friday!

Time to jump on the meme bandwagon!
Here is me, as illustrated by three fictional characters. I think I nailed it!

Just a Little Note

Dear Ants,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave my kitchen now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you; I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.*

As you callously walk over the bodies of your dead companions remember – I did that. I did that without giving it a second thought and now I’m waiting for you.

With Love,
Your Friendly Homeowner


Dear Leela,**

What in the world?! Why are you suddenly trying to leave the house? I know you’ve always been a bit of an explorer, but you know that you are way too anxious to wander around on your own. Why are you suddenly trying to dig out of the backyard anytime we turn our back? I’d just like to take this opportunity to remind you that our local shelter isn’t a no-kill. They are good people and try hard, but do you really want to push your luck? You’ve been there before – that’s where we found you, remember? – do you really want to go back? All you have really done is forced us to put your collar back on your 100% of the time. Stay home, weirdo. You can’t handle it out there; you’ve gotten soft and squishy since your past life on the street.

Your Loving Host


Dear Allergies,

How can I fight something I can’t see? You aren’t playing fair. I hate this time of year. I hate nature. And, most of all, I hate you.

Sneezy McSneezerton


Dear Mumford and Sons,

Hey, that concert was really good. I’ll admit that I was nervous – I’m not a fan of anything on your third album. It isn’t bad, but it just isn’t why I love you. I certainly wouldn’t pay to see the third album’s band in concert. So. . . yay! I had a really great time. I forgive you for not playing Sigh No More or Hopeless Wanderer, because you played Broken Crown. And because you came running up into the stands dancing next to my section. That was neat. I laughed walking out in the parking lot when a group behind me said, “They played a few songs I didn’t even know. They played a lot of old stuff.” Um. . . you only have three albums. There really isn’t any “old stuff.” They must have been third-albumers.

A Big Fan

P.S. I still don’t like anything about the third album.

*Do I need to tell you that is Liam Neeson?
**The dog.

Around The Interwebs

Instead of reading what I have to say today, go check out some of these other good things.

Start with. . . an Interactive 3D Model of King Richard III’s Grave.
This model of King Richard III’s grave shows the king’s remains in-situ shortly after their discovery by University of Leicester archaeologists beneath a car park in Leicester in 2012.

Then let Mental Floss tell you about “15 Common Expressions Younger Generations Won’t Understand.”
Etymology is fun! It’s especially fun to learn about the quaint old-fashioned practices that gave rise to some of the words we use. Stereotype comes from printing, hard-up comes from sailing, pipe dream comes from opium dens.

Need some more Mental Floss? Watch this short video and learn why we eat popcorn at the movies.

After that you can check out “9 Awe-Inspiring Bookstores Around the World” from The Book Insider or visit this tumblr full of “Things Organized Neatly.” You know I love that.

In a political mood?

Lighten things up with this photo-filled article from The Hustle, “What Trump, Clinton, Sanders and Every Other 2016 Presidential Candidate Were Doing at Age 30.”

Or take your political research way way back with “New Research Sheds Light On Swedish King’s Decapitation” from

What I Did On Super Bowl Sunday

Go Sports-slept until 8am

-washed two loads of dishes

-read an issue of Better Homes & Gardens, Dwell, and The New Yorker

-silently pondered how I keep ending up with these free magazine subscriptions

-finished and filed my taxes

-washed two loads of laundry

-wished I had a soda

-listened to an ungodly number of iCarly episodes that the little man was watching as I cleaned up

-made iced coffee

-relished in the fact that we were not invited to a single football party this year and can stay home

-sang my own rendition of the iCarly theme song

-waited for the husband to get home from work

-waited for the daughter to get home from a sleepover

-played blocks with the little man

-drank iced tea from a Doctor Who cybermen glass; sweetened, but not “sweet tea”

-ate leftover hashbrowns and sausage for lunch

-covered said leftovers in ketchup to make them edible

-complained to the little man because I used too much ketchup

-read some of Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America by Jill Leovy

-watched this video showing the evolution of zombies (

-watched a few episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race


-watched a few episodes of Bob’s Burgers

-finished off a bottle of subpar wine

-turned the game on just in time for the Panthers to come out

-decided that everything is better with door prizes

-thought Lady Gaga did a really good job with the anthem

-filed my nails

-stood in front of the mirror contemplating the pimple coming up on my face and wondering who the hell gave it permission to visit

-checked twitter to see if the horrible #puppymonkeybaby was trending

-at the end of the first quarter, thought the game was unfortunately super boring

-ate pizza

-agreed that everybody really does love Paul Rudd

-at the end of the second quarter, thought the game was better, but forgettable

-(mostly) zoned out during the halftime show

-thought about whether or not I need to do anything for Valentine’s Day

-wrote this blog entry

-headed to bed before the game ended

The Elf on a Shelf Can Kiss My ***

Elf on the Shelf. It’s just not my thing.

Not that I won’t go above and beyond for some holiday magic. Oh no, you are talking about a lady who once put her Christmas tree up on a random summer night so her kid could experience Christmas in July. Really. But Elf on the Shelf is just too far. There is no place for that creepy guy in my household.
elf on the shelf
1) This Elf on the Shelf nonsense almost always includes making a mess for mom to clean up in the morning (I’m just saying mom here b/c it only tends to be moms who really get into this newfangled tradition). I have no desire to make some sort of cute mess to make my kids laugh before sending them off to school and cleaning it up when they aren’t looking. I have enough to clean up before I leave for work, thanks. I also have enough kids already; I don’t need to make up a fake one.

2) Your kid doesn’t care. No, really. He might enjoy it this holiday season, but when he grows up he is going to think back fondly on those mornings waking up to see what that silly elf messed up. Nope. Not going to happen. Sure, he might think back fondly on your commitment to a family tradition, but in reality you can’t expect anymore more than a “That was fun, but I can’t image having to do that every night. My mom must have really liked that elf.” Yep, he’ll be happy that it made you so happy. And then he won’t do it for his kids.

3) We already have Santa. Is Santa not enough? Are you not entertained? How many magical traditions do me need? At least Santa has a little history behind him and isn’t just a merchandise scheme that has spawned even more merchandise. The little guy has a dvd, dapper little clothes, ornaments, a reindeer friend, and a board game. I could name more, but I’m not Amazon. You can even buy a football jersey for your $30 elf toy.

4) This isn’t a tradition. The stupid little elf has only been around for ten years. Maybe if he is still around in another thirty I’ll have to rethink my position and buy one of those damn things for my grandkids, but I will deal with that then. And I won’t be happy about it. We will listen to our classic Justin Bieber holiday songs and put our elf in weird positions while grandma scoffs.

Did you know there is a Jewish version called Mensch on a Bench? Yeah, I hate him too.

Just say no. Bah humbug.

Am I going to get a lot of hate for my elf on a shelf hate? That is probably fair.

Wasting Time Wednesday

Just a few things for your viewing pleasure. . .

FYI for you work-watchers: Just a bit of nsfw language.


FYI: Beeped language + men in underwear and skimpy costumes.


FYI: Beeped language.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes when you walk to work in the morning, you realize people can see straight through your dress when the sun hits it. Then you thank you lucky stars that you decided to wear underwear.

Sometimes you realize your dress is tucked in to the back of your underwear just before you walk out to the school bus. Then you say a little silent prayer of thanks.
Sometimes you need to treat a Monday night like a Friday night.

Sometimes you regret that decision when the alarm goes off Tuesday morning.
Sometimes you want to sleep on the couch just to get some alone time without having to stick your spouse with all of the work.

Sometimes when driving through the parking deck singing RuPaul’s Click Clack very loudly, you realize your window is still partly open. Hope everyone enjoyed being serenaded . . . poorly.
Click Clackdaddyjail

Sometimes you get so tired of changing diapers you want to set them ablaze in a giant backyard bonfire. Burn them all!

Sometimes looking at your calendar for October makes you want to crawl in bed and cry, but that’s cool. Just keep swimming.
Sometimes the only acceptable lunch is nachos.

Sometimes you don’t have time to blog so you throw some random sentences and fun gifs together and hope it counts.anigif_enhanced-13912-1443459222-2