Things I Learned From Forensic Files

Growing up, Unsolved Mysteries was a must-watch for a good night in front of the television. Who’s with me? And who still gets creeped out when they hear the theme song?

I credit those formative years with Robert Stack in making me a lifetime crime and ghost show devotee. I’ve probably watched all of them out there at least once and keep any series I like as good a go-to option for a restful evening.

Forensic Files has been one of those go-to shows for years. Even though we don’t have cable/satellite anymore, I still manage to catch the occasional episode while traveling – usually around 10pm weeknights. Does it reveal something telling about me that I can easily fall asleep with it playing in the background?

Then I realized it is available on Netflix.

Turns out, Forensic Files is also a spectacular show to binge-watch. I’ve helped myself to over 40 episodes* recently and think I’ve learned a thing or two about orchestrating the perfect murder.

DON’T take the victim’s name off of the mailbox the week they are killed.

DON’T get two teardrop tattoos on your face while in jail awaiting trial for two murders.

DON’T fall asleep at the victim’s memorial service.

DON’T make a list comparing the victim’s life insurance totals to your current debts.

DON’T toss out the victim’s belongings the night before they disappear.

DON’T spread the victim’s ashes by slowing down and throwing them out the window of your car.

DON’T mention facts about antifreeze poisoning randomly during casual conversation with friends and family.

DON’T put the victim’s dog to sleep immediately after their death.

DON’T claim suicide when the victim has been shot more than once. Same goes for a hunting accident.

DON’T grab a snack out of the victim’s kitchen.

DON’T make a to-do or shopping list for the crime.

And a couple of serious things that could have prevented at least 50% of the murders featured on the show: 1) Just be gay if you want to be gay. 2) Just get a divorce if you want one. Seriously guys, these are much better options than murder.

*Stop judging me. You know you love to binge-watch.


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