I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave my kitchen now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you; I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.*
As you callously walk over the bodies of your dead companions remember – I did that. I did that without giving it a second thought and now I’m waiting for you.
Your Friendly Homeowner
What in the world?! Why are you suddenly trying to leave the house? I know you’ve always been a bit of an explorer, but you know that you are way too anxious to wander around on your own. Why are you suddenly trying to dig out of the backyard anytime we turn our back? I’d just like to take this opportunity to remind you that our local shelter isn’t a no-kill. They are good people and try hard, but do you really want to push your luck? You’ve been there before – that’s where we found you, remember? – do you really want to go back? All you have really done is forced us to put your collar back on your 100% of the time. Stay home, weirdo. You can’t handle it out there; you’ve gotten soft and squishy since your past life on the street.
Your Loving Host
How can I fight something I can’t see? You aren’t playing fair. I hate this time of year. I hate nature. And, most of all, I hate you.
Dear Mumford and Sons,
Hey, that concert was really good. I’ll admit that I was nervous – I’m not a fan of anything on your third album. It isn’t bad, but it just isn’t why I love you. I certainly wouldn’t pay to see the third album’s band in concert. So. . . yay! I had a really great time. I forgive you for not playing Sigh No More or Hopeless Wanderer, because you played Broken Crown. And because you came running up into the stands dancing next to my section. That was neat. I laughed walking out in the parking lot when a group behind me said, “They played a few songs I didn’t even know. They played a lot of old stuff.” Um. . . you only have three albums. There really isn’t any “old stuff.” They must have been third-albumers.
A Big Fan
P.S. I still don’t like anything about the third album.
*Do I need to tell you that is Liam Neeson?