Me: I need to pick up birthday gifts for a couple of your cousins. What do you think Hannah would like?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: Well, you have to come up with something.
Daughter: Okay. [silence]
Me: What size does she wear?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: Does she like jewelry?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: Have you ever seen her with a piece of jewelry on?
Daughter: . . . Maybe. I don’t know.
Me: [closes the door and walks away]


Husband: I haven’t planned anything special for our anniversary this year. Don’t want you to expect anything.
Me: How many years will we have been married.
Husband: 13?
Me: Time to call it quits?
Husband: Nah, let’s just let this thing roll.
Me: Awesome.


Daughter: Our first choice is Australia. Then Bulgaria and India.
Me: Bulgaria?
Daughter: Yeah, Bulgaria.
Me: That’s an odd choice.
Daughter: Want to know why we picked it?
Me: [hesitantly] Sure.
Daughter: Nina Dobrev is from there. [Nina Dobrev is from The Vampire Diaries.]
Me: Ugh, good lord.
Daughter: Its a good choice! It gives me an excuse to learn about Bulgaria.
[I made her read the wiki article about Bulgaria. ::insert evil parent laugh here::]


Random Father: Where are your shoes?!
Teenage Girl: I’m so busy. You don’t understand, I have a lot to do.
Random Father: Well, you can do a lot with your shoes on.


Me: [laughing at a video of an adorable dog] Come look at this dog.
Daughter: Ha! So cute.
My Mother: Don’t laugh at that dog! He’s had a stroke or something!
Me: Hey, he is out running errands. My dog never gets to run errands. He has a good life.
My Mother: That is cruel.
Me: Grumpy Cat made a million dollars.
Daughter: Yeah.
My Mother: I don’t know who that is.
Me: Grumpy Cat’s real name is Tarter Sauce. She looks grumpy because of a deformity, but made buttloads of money, even a movie.
My Mother: It is still cruel.


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