I recently took a quiz on Buzz Feed – because what else do you do late at night when bored? – that told me my “How I Met Your Mother” character match was Barney Stinson. That got me to thinking – if I had a Barney Stinson inspired alter ego, what would she be like? Awesome, of course. Or, legen . . . wait for it . . . dary. But what about the details?
First, her name.
I gave this a lot of thought resulting in . . . Eva Ruth Britton. Why? Who knows. Eva or Ruth Britton is just one of those names that has been floating around in my head for a while. I even thought about naming a hypothetical future child Ruth. In this case, I really couldn’t decide between Eva or Ruth so my alter ego emerged with a classic southern two-fer name.
Next, her appearance.
Eva Ruth is short, but commanding with shoulder-length dark hair that is straight, full, and very shiny. She has a strip of gray hair in front that she refuses to dye. She has my regular brown eyes and my freckles (although just the bit across the nose). Like Barney Stinson, she is always classically well-dressed and never takes a bad photo. Her closet is full of an assortment of black pants and skirts mixed with muted shirts and sweaters. She adds pops of color with tights, socks, jewelry, and cardigans. Yes, my alter ego wears cardigans; it ups her level of awesomeness. Occasionally she will wear wedges, but never any heels as she has to be ready to drop-kick an enemy at a moment’s notice. Not interesting enough for you? Eh, my alter ego isn’t really about the clothes. She always looks great, but you remember her for what she says, now how she looks.
Then, her personality.
Eva Ruth is an enigma. She is honest, loving, and kind, but has a bitch-face that will chill you to the bone. She is strong and powerful, but reserved, with a quick wit and even a quicker tongue. She spends a great deal of time watching and learning, but never shies away from good conversation. She is the kind of person who is always involved in the events you refer to as “life-changing” when you tell the story later. Her friends know her as dependable, loyal, funny, and smart, as a good person for an adventure. She can go from serving food at a soup kitchen to engaging in a debate with world leaders at the drop of a hat. Not her hat though, Eva Ruth doesn’t wear them.
Finally, her backstory.
Eva Ruth keeps her background to herself, but what bits and bobbles have made it to the surface reveal a gloomy childhood. Her parents were lost during a particularly messy protest of big business at the local farmer’s market. Most believe them dead, but Eva Ruth holds out hope that they have been stricken with amnesia after slipping on a banana peel and will one day return when a plum – her favorite fruit – sparks their memory. To this day, she has her produce delivered by her local grocer to avoid a certain panic attack at the sight of a banana display.
She attended boarding schools for most of her life, but her constant . . . well, let’s call it tenacity, meant she was never at one place for very long. After being expelled from her sixth and final school at the age of seventeen for sparking an anti-red pen protest that sent four freshmen to the hospital, she abandoned education and set out on her own. From there, she hitchhiked across the country making a living with odd jobs before connecting with a discontented art history professor. Since then, the pair has been traveling across the world posing as amateur archeologists while solving mysteries.
When she was a girl, Eva Ruth savored taking sips of her grandmother’s coffee. This is her only happy memory from childhood and because of this she always makes time for her morning cup. Decaf though; she doesn’t need the caffeine.
Eva Ruth, Ms. Britton if you’re nasty, is a crusader for those made small by society. You better watch out.
Okay, that ended up less Barney Stinson and more Eleanor Roosevelt meets Batman, but it was fun.