Lies I Tell My Children

If you don’t behave, you won’t be able to go the sleepover this weekend.
It is not too late for me to call and cancel [whatever.]

It is too late and you are going to sleepover. You are so going to the sleepover. I can’t wait for you to go to the sleepover and I certainty don’t want you to stay home if you are being a little snot. Please don’t call my bluff. Just be good and help me keep this façade going.

Hmmm, I’m not sure. Ask your dad when he gets home.

In other words, I’m watching television and don’t really want to get off of the couch. I’m hoping to buy a little time by pawning you off on him. Sorry. Don’t worry though; a little waiting won’t kill you. OR, I think you should be doing something else. This will force you to find something else to do.

If you snoop around to find your presents, I will take everything back.

Sigh. I think you can guess where this one is going. I’m not going to take them back – I just don’t have the time, the patience, or the receipts. I will be pretty upset though and you will never hear the end of it. Seriously, don’t ruin the surprise. I worked hard to get you something special.

No, I don’t have any batteries.

Oh, I have batteries. I have a huge stash of batteries. But if I have to listen to that toy for one more minute my head is going to explode. I’m happy its batteries are dead and you should be too. If it is off, I’m less likely to hide it while you are asleep.

Well, let me think about it.

The answer is no. I’m just not prepared for the nuclear fallout right now, so I’m avoiding answering you by giving you false hope. Sorry.

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